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I can’t believe I’ve spent the last 303 days doing nothing…

I’ve lost 25–50% of the time I should have had with the people I love (depending on when I met them).

I’ve only gotten worse.

And it’s all my doing. It’s all my fear, or laziness, or doubt, or whatever the hell it is that caused this.

God has a plan, but I’m Jonah, running in fear away from it.

*2

Distrust

From Psalm 119:

Blessed are those who obey his covenant laws.
They trust in him with all their hearts.

Sin is the manifestation of distrust in God.

It’s lying because I feel like he’s not there supporting me. But if I trusted him, I’d believe that he will work things out when I follow his rules.

It’s seeking shallow, temporary pleasures because I feel like I’ll never find contentment in him. But if I trusted him I’d cast the distractions aside and run toward true hope.

It’s giving in to temptation because I don’t believe I can fight it. If I trusted him, I’d stand firm on his promise that I can.

It’s hating myself because I feel like I’ll never change or get better. If I trusted him, I would rest in his grace and be encouraged by the small changes I’ve seen in my life.

*2

"I feel I am caught in a place for which I was not made. Yet God equips me to carry his brilliance even though I see but dimly through the glass, the fractured glass of a world that thirsts even for a portion of his brilliance. I live and dance in the half-light. I am a shadow chaser."

Timothy Willard

*4

God, help me build a quiet place where everything becomes what it is. Frightening monsters turn into surmountable challenges. Distractions become chaff in the wind. Crutches fall away. Let me see a level battlefield, and give me the clarity to develop a strategy. Push fear away from me, remove all illusion from this space. Let me see who I am and what my challenges are, and tell me I can take them on.

I remember when I had no fear of these things. Take me back to that. I’ve come a long way since then; I’m not even the same person. I’ve gained wisdom (not saying I’m wise, but less of a fool), friendship, compassion… but I also found so much fear and guilt. In a way, those negatives have been good, because they’ve taught me a lot. But I need to shake off those shackles now, because they’re killing me. I need the power that I once had to fight unafraid. Because you have called me, and I need to stand up and join in the battle.

*1

"Thank you for being such a friend to me. Oh, I pray a friend for life. Have I ever told you how much you mean to me? Oh, you’re everything to me."

"Broken Wings" by Flyleaf

"Whenever we dismiss someone as incapable of change, we instantly suckerpunch the sovereign grace of God.

We are downsizing His sovereignty to those people and not these. Then we’re no longer talking about God. We’re just exposing our laziness.

You know what I mean. I see a person on their first lap of faith and I make assumptions; I see 0.5 percent of a person’s life and somehow predict their future; I see half a story and presume the whole story. But this is a sort of evil that holds back potential, that undermines growth, that destroys a child’s dreams. It’s an ugliness that I’ve experienced from others, who wouldn’t give me a shot, who wouldn’t see past their negative filters and accusations and condemnations, who saw me as a deadbeat nobody with no hope of a turnaround.

But occasionally, love would cut in and open a door. It grew my heart. It embraced me in.

Love sees a greatness in someone who cannot see it in themselves.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. It hopes in all things, it does not rejoice in evil. It perseveres."

J.S. from What The Church Won’t Talk About (via jspark3000)

(via 29124005117903)

*1

Really, the ultimate cause of this is how closed I was, so I bear the blame. But at some point, you were responsible too. I didn’t give you many chances, but you missed the ones you had. And you didn’t seem to look for any others.

*2

In high school, I was so closed off. I wasn’t very close to anyone; interaction was merely the act of building walls. I didn’t share how I felt, or anything that was very meaningful, with anybody.

But on occasion, we’d talk about something real, and you weren’t just talking to the mask I made for you to see. Usually because it was an argument. It’s not that we argued a lot, but they were important because those were the times you had the best chance to know me.

But more often than not, arguments devolved into you claiming that you knew what I was thinking, what my motivation was. And you were always dead wrong. I told you that each time, but you insisted it was a fact, even though it’s impossible to know what someone is truly thinking.

It broke my heart, or at least the little bits of it that were exposed in each of those moments. Those were the few chances we had to be closer, and instead I always felt misunderstood and like you didn’t care.

That is why I don’t really trust you. It’s why I don’t consider your judgment to be sound. It’s why I didn’t want to come back to Virginia that first Thanksgiving of college, or any break since. It’s why I don’t feel anything when you hug me (even though physical touch is my second most-important love language), or when I repeat your “I love you” back to you.

When I came to CMU, I set out to be more open, and I succeeded. I’m not perfect at it, not even close, but I have such precious friends now. They listen, they challenge me like you never have, they encourage me like you never could. They are my family, not you.

"Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain."

(via lizziecarrington)

(Source: wordsthat-speak, via soapthief)

Wake up, sleeper

Verse 1

Robotic, hypnotic

Robotic, hypnotic

Lost in the static

I am your regret

I’ll make you forget

All you were made to be

If you’re not careful

I will control you

And distort your dreams

Robotic, hypnotic

Systematic

Chorus

I never want you to know

You were made for perfection

Not created defective

On this mechanical planet

You were not meant to be

Just some broken machine

On this mechanical planet

Verse 2

So I’ll distract you

I will attack you

And keep you focused on me

I’ll make you fall in love with deception

You won’t know what to believe

Robotic, hypnotic

Lost in the static

Chorus

Bridge

The truth is

I’ll work day and night

To keep the gears grinding in your mind

To keep you from knowing you are worth more than gold

Not some assembly-line, rusted shell of a person that I try to remote-control

I never want you to believe

That when you’re down on your knees

That someone is actually listening

If you are undistracted for even a moment

I’ll lose my hold

And you would notice that you have never been alone

Never have you ever fought alone

Never have you ever fought alone

— ”Mechanical Planet” by Veridia

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